Did You Know
by DJ Nox
Summary: Baralai reminiscences about life, loss, and love. GippalxBaralai (Gippalai). PG for shounen-ai content.


_"Did You Know"_

Author's note: There is such a lack of Gippalai fics on here. Only one other, and it ain't even that romantic (no offense to the fic though, I adored it). So I took it upon myself to write this. So read, review, have fun, and spread the love. Oh, it contains MAAAAAAJOR spoilers. So don't read unless you've beaten the game. That's pretty much it. Enjoy!

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Did you know, when we first met, that you would eventually be here, lying in my arms? Probably not. I can assume that you never even thought about settling down with someone, much less the former praetor of New Yevon. Even I am surprised things worked out the way they did.

Did you know that the first time I set eyes on you, I disliked you? You were the loudest, most obnoxious person at the Crimson Squad Trainee Initiation Ceremony. And you were an Al Bhed. I prayed that you would stay as far away from me as possible. Apparently Yevon had a sense of humor, for not only were you on my team, I was rooming with you as well.

Did you know that you were the one to help me get rid of my prejudice? Over time, you proved yourself to be a great person, albeit on the psychotic side. You proved to me that, perhaps, the Al Bhed weren't as bad as I thought they were. That maybe the citizens of Spira had more in common than previously imagined. That maybe when it came down to it, we really were all the same.

Did you know that I didn't realize how much you meant to me until I lost you? Even now, I don't know what happened on our final mission as trainees, or rather, new Crimson Squad members. All I know is that I was alone. You, Paine, and Nooj were nowhere to be found. I had looked everywhere, scouring Spira, to no avail. But it was your abscence that affected me the most. I just couldn't bear it without your smile, your laughter, your encouraging words…

Did you know that for a time, we were on opposite sides, fighting against each other? That I had had a hand in ruining your Home? I worked for Yevon after our tragedy…or rather, Seymour and the Guado. I am partially to blame for the invasion and thus destruction of Home. I did the necessary spying. The ruins haunt me even to this day.

Did you know the shock that coursed through me when I heard that you were alive and well, leader of the Machine Faction at Djose Temple? I longed to see you again, but…as Praetor of New Yevon, it was impossible for me to see you, or even write to you. It hurt, but I knew I had to move on, as much as I did miss you.

Did you know…what it felt like…to lose complete control of yourself? I barely had time to realize what was happening before the spirit…no, the shadow of Shuyin possessed me. I…knew what I was doing, as he forced me to the Farplane, to wreck havoc on Spira. I was nothing more than a puppet. But his feelings…his anger, his sadness, made me think that what I was doing was the right thing. It wasn't until he left my body that I realized just what I had done.

Did you know how long it took me to get over it? Realizing that I just harmed my friends? That I had almost destroyed Spira? That I had…hurt you? I was a nervous wreck for more than a month. I couldn't forgive myself. You stayed with me, comforting me, constantly telling me that it wasn't my fault, that it could have been you possessed, that I was just unlucky, that nothing was my fault…But I knew the truth. Shuyin possessed me because it was easiest to do. Besides Nooj, I was the one with the most pain, anger, and fear in my heart. Over the Crimson Squad…and over you. And it was because of that I was the one taken over. And I was too weak…too weak to fight it. I believed it was my weakness that could have destroyed everything.

Did you know that you were my reason to live after that? Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I was filled with guilt, and I felt that I had no reason to be on Spira anymore, that no one needed me. You had your Machine Faction, Nooj had Leblanc, Paine had Yuna and the rest of the Gullwings…but I had nothing. We would have all gone on our separate ways, and I would have once more been alone. I do not think I could have lived like that. But…you were still there for me, even after the others eventually left. You didn't want to leave me, insisting that I wasn't strong enough yet to be on my own. And in a way, you were right. Yet you still had to get back to your work. I was shocked when you asked me to move in with you at Djose. You still didn't trust me to be alone. You said that you…you cared for me more than anything, and that you didn't want to be parted again. Perhaps you knew…?

Did you know how I felt the first time we kissed? It started out…simple enough. I had awoken from a nightmare…I was dreaming about what would have happened had Yuna not stopped Shuyin. If…if I destroyed Spira…and…killed you. You came to my room, hearing me crying. I didn't want to look weak in front of you; I turned away…and yet you stayed. You sat down next to me and put your arms around me, murmuring comforting words. I shakily told you about my dream, and you held me tighter. You told me that it was just a nightmare, that it didn't happen. That it didn't matter because we were still there…together. You eventually pulled away and stared at me. There was…this indescribable emotion shining in your eyes. Something I had never seen before. Love. I don't know which one of us made the first move, but…the next thing I knew, your arms were around me again, your lips pressed softly against mine. We did not do much that night…we just held each other, kissing gently, needing the comfort it provided. When I woke up the next morning, you were still in my arms. You smiled at me, and then I knew…what you did wasn't a mistake, a random action on your part. You had meant it. And I…I realized then, that I loved you.

…And now you're still here. With me. You haven't left me. You're asleep, a content smile on your face, as we lie in each other's arms. Your smile is all I need…all that I am living for. And as long as I have it, I know I will be happy.


End file.
